New Foods.. New Tolerance

Happy Mother's Day.

I want to start this post by saying that in the past I have always hated Mother's day. I never understood why until my husband's diagnosis. It was if on this day he was perfect. He would do everything for the world to see what a good husband he was, but nothing during the rest of the year. I finally realized that it wasn't the facade of Mother's day that I wanted. I wanted a real relationship with my husband and family and all the flowers, cards, and even niceties were not going to change the fact that he never had time for me, to talk, to show shared interest or even try to understand who I was.
I remember past Mother's Day's when I would become so stressed that I refused to go to church. One day I stayed home and flew a kite. It was a wonderful feeling. My children were completely baffled, but I so hated what I felt was total hypocrisy. I didn't feel badly for not attending church with the family. My reasoning was if it was mother's day, and I was the mother, it was my day off and if I needed to destress then that is what would happen.

So yesterday? What happened? good or bad?

In perspective.. very good. Why?

Because my TeenSon chose to cook me dinner. Very fun. He is a "young" cook. AH did not choose to help him. It might have been a good idea but because he is an AH this would not occur to him. Since I attended church with my Mother and was not home, I was not there to encourage this. So Teen Son cooked alone. And?

When he couldn't find the ground mustard powder, he substituted cinnamon. Yum.. He did everything else just as the recipe called for, but he put in ample amounts of cinnamon. I actually enjoyed it. (mostly) There were pieces of chicken that were overly battered.

What did AH do? I think for me it's what he did not do. He did not refuse to eat it. He did not criticize it. He chose words like, interesting, creative, and intriguing to describe my son's creation. I remember other situations in the past where my other children attempted to do something for me (alone and without guidance of course) and he refused to eat it.

He's a picky eater anyway. He has a huge list of things that he won't eat. So he did not eat the cooked carrots that my son fixed with butter. Yum. And he did not eat the scalloped potatoes that were just a bit over cooked. But he did manage to find a polite way to try the Cinnamon Battered Chicken. I think he dipped it in BBQ sauce. He did complement my son.

And... we had a good laugh when I asked him...

"So are you enjoying dinner? Or are you learning to overcome your Aspergers and you realize that it is your Aspergers that keeps you from trying new food? I mean.. in the past you would have never even tried this? "

He smiled at me, didn't say much. But we all laughed at the new beginnings we are all feeling. I think we were all relieved not to feel stress. And emotional needs were both realized and met.

I had a great mother's day.. not because I got what I expected but because I enjoyed what I got. A sincere effort on my TeenSon's part to do something for me, to respect me, and to show his love by serving me. (cooking dinner). And a sincere effort on my husband's part to try to reach me emotionally.

Did I mention that he created my mother's day card. He chose the verse, the picture etc. and printed it out. It was very sweet and I will cherish it. He also got me a corsage.. which I wore proudly to church.

Later in the evening we talked with our daughter who is on the west coast, we walked the dogs, and we read books together.

One of the best Mother's Day ever. 

James Durbin.. A True American Idol

                                            How James Durbin deals with his Aspergers
I wanted to take the time and let everyone know how grateful I am to James Durbin.
He is a contestant on the popular singing show.. American Idol.
He has Aspergers and Tourette's Syndrome. He is an amazing artist and very gifted "pitch perfect" singer.   He has never to my belief had one bad week.

Why is this relevant? Because my husband made a breakthrough last night.
He helped me write a poem. It's a good poem.

I don't believe he would have done this if he didn't realize that as James put it,
"I don't let my Aspergers define me." I define myself through my music.

    It was very inspiring for my husband to realize that just because he didn't want to do something didn't mean he couldn't. Getting past the wanting to do something is 1/2 the battle. (We all face this).
I believe however that the big difference is that Aspergers don't realize that it's their OCD that debilitates them so badly. They just believe they can't do something... or they believe that if they don't want to they can't or shouldn't have to. Well here is James and he is very gifted at music. And he has all the quirks of Turrets. When he speaks he juts his jaw, he blinks his eyes, he shifts his gaze, etc.  and he misunderstands so many things.
  "Like when Randy told him.. "The competition is yours to lose."
I saw how stunned he looked. He didn't realize that Randy was paying him a complement. The Asperger in him could only hear the lose part. It took him a minute to fully understand the complement.

I am very happy to say that my husband has let go of a few of his fears and is learning to try a few things that he previously dug his heals in on. One of them is the reading of my poetry.. and then he helped me co write a poem. It was so wonderful.
I kept wondering why? I believe it was because of when I went to the Young Adult group and there was a young asperger student who was an English major. I asked her how could she write and love literature if she didn't get the metaphor thing? She told me that "if you know one person with Aspergers you know one person with Aspergers." It didn't define her. I shared that with my AH and he is beginning to understand it too.

xx L

xx 

An Apology. The best medicine

We had a most wonderful week. I am feeling so much better. This is for many different reasons and I might post on a few of them. I certainly want to post on some of the more positive ones because we are truly making great strides. But first the apology

We were in Atlanta Ga. My ManSon flew in for the long weekend. My daughter drove up with her four children. We did many different activities and it was so wonderful. I believe we are beginning to heal as a family! For the first time in a really really really long time, I didn't want to leave. I actually wanted to be with the family and with my husband. Why? Because Apologies make the best medicine.

My Manson (28), Teenson (13) , AH, and myself went golfing. All was going well. I was paying particular attention to the many different compliments that he paid me. I played okay. 55 on the front and back. Not too great. not too bad. He was very complimentary when I got my 4 pars on the shorter links.
(I have to digress here and say that in the past (before diagnosis) AH did not give compliments. He seemed to only criticize.) So I was very happy to not only hear him give appropriate compliments but also attempt to offer good instruction to Teenson. Again in the past playing golf with him meant that he was too engrossed in his game to notice or care about anyone else. This has definitely changed.

We were on the 16 hole. (whew) I was getting wasted. It's hard for me to play 18. But AH always plays 18 and loves it. On the 15 th hole a maintenance truck had startled me just as AH teed off. I was suppose to be watching his ball so that we could tell where to look for it if it happened not to go straight.

Well it went right ... into the trees. I think. Truth be told I had become startled and distracted by the upstart of the maintenance truck and turned away just as AH swung. I didn't see where the ball went.

He was furious. He lit off at me and yelled and called me a few choice names. I didn't say a word. I hit my ball.. it also went right ... into the woods. Teenboy happened to be the only one to keep it in the fairway. lol.   then I let it go. Not until the next hole did I quietly say to him.
"TeenSon is very upset. He believes we are arguing and he is beginning to act out. I believe you owe me an apology. And I believe it would be best for the family if you would say it in front of TeenSon."

He didn't say anything.

When the game was over and we were all in the lounge enjoying a coke. (ManSon's idea as AH always just leaves the course). AH leaned over to me in full view of my TeenSon and ManSon and said,
"I am sorry for yelling at you. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I was frustrated because you didn't watch where my ball went, and you know I can't see where it lands."

I in turn said. "I am sorry for being distracted. But you have to understand that on the back nine I am becoming exhausted and my attention begins to wain." We laughed. We kissed. and I felt a year of depression lift. I was so happy.

Afterwards... after TeenSon and AH had left to carry the golf bags to the car, ManSon said to me.
"I think that was a very manly thing for Dad to do. Don't you?" I said. Yes.
But I asked him to
ManSon said to me.. "No, I asked him to."

The truth is that neither one of us cared who asked him to. The point was for both of us that he got it. And he chose to apologize on his own. I can think of a time in the past few years when this would have caused a downright feud, angry words, hurt feelings, and someone might have gotten left on the back nine. But not today. Today we had the best medicine. Apology through knowledge and understanding.

xx
I truly do love my husband.

Tomorrow I will tell you what happened today and why he continues to heal all of our lives. 

Connecting With Your Asperger Partner

Hi I received this from Louise. I hope it helps someone. I have read the book several times. It will be a good day when my AH begins to read it. 

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

 

Just letting you know that I am a guest speaker on 96.5 FM this Sunday night 10th April 8-10pm. April is Autism Awareness Month so it will be great to raise awareness of how to relate to an Asperger Partner.

 

If you know anyone who would like to call in and ask a question of myself or the host Peter Janetski, a Counsellor, the Talk Back Phone Number is 1300 85 13 14.

 

Feel free to forward this email to interested parties.

 

If you miss it, I think podcasts are posted on the website: www.96five.com

 

Kind regards

 

Louise

 

The Pool Table

So we broke down and bought a pool table for the teen son. It's something for him and his friends to do afterschool, on the weekends and on days when it's too hot to be outside.

We got a great deal and are excited to have something that we could do together. But then he refused to put it in the room in such a way that we could use the pool sticks. He placed it parallel to a set of stairs. I believed it should have been perpendicular as this would have given the most shooting room for the pool sticks. He didn't want it to be perpendicular because it would make the room look "less perfect". In other words it was more important to be able to watch television on a secondary t.v. than to shoot pool without hitting the wall with the pool stick.

I tried to reason with him but I wasn't going to argue. So I let it go. It was his money he was spending on purchasing and moving and setting up. The movers questioned him as to the location and then said that it was not to be moved or it would alter the leveling. So now we have a pool table that you cannot use regular sized sticks on b/c they leave marks all over the wall. We also have marks over all of our walls.

He refused to listen to reason. He had his measuring tape out so he was certain he was correct. His measureing tape proved him right!

I didn't think it would bother me, but every time I play a round of pool and can't make my shots b/c the stick buts into the wall, I am reminded of how I tried to explain to him why having it perpendicular would be best, but he had to be right.

The funny part.. He is too proud to admit that it would be best to have it turned around. A simple enough solution. But to do so would prove him wrong. So we all play with sticks that we unscrew or we lift them high into the air to avoid hitting the wall. It occured to me that this was not the best way to get a good shot.. and that no matter how level the table, if you don't have adequate room to trigger your shot, you compromise your speed and aim.

This is the reason why I don't decorate the house. It's too much work to try and he won't allow me the freedom to do it the way I would like.

After all that.. I have to say that getting him to purchase a pool table was not the ordeal that I expected. He even overcame his own hesitations and paid someone to do it for us. Yeah. He did make some progress. Huge progress. So I am happy. Teen boy is happy. He enjoys the table and his friends. 

One Step forward .. Two steps back..

So Life was good and we had some good experiences. I want to try to focus on the good for a change, and that is the problem. He wants me to forget his behavior and move on as if nothing happened. If I had a child behave the way he did, I would sit them in time out and discuss with them what they did and how they could make others feel better through an apology. But when you have aspergers you don't apologize and you don't ever admit you did anything wrong. The problem with it this time is that it wasn't with a family member, it was with a seven year old child. ( a friend). I rescued her and then tried to move on about our business of making breakfast as if it was all okay.

The incident:
We were preparing breakfast for our guest. I asked a seven year old girl to get a bench and sit it at the table. As she was picking up the bench and moving it to the table, it's legs became entangled with the speaker wires that sat on a speaker stand. The speaker fell from its stand.
AH ran to the speaker and said something like, "Why did you do that. Normal people don't drag chairs, they pick them up." and a few other things that were emotional hurtful.
I brought her into the kitchen (she was sobbing) and told her to help me scramble the eggs. We tried to eat and get on with the day. Afterward AH went to his cave and worked on taxes. He never acknowledged her feelings.
The next time we had occasion to visit this girl and her family, I reminded him that he needed to apologize to her for his callous behavior. The speaker was more important than her feelings.
It was all my fault. I had caused him to yell at her when I ran to her aid? I had caused him to yell at her when I said, "It's okay. It's not broken."
I couldn't believe my ears. I just looked at him and said. "I am not responsible for your behavior."
I asked if he could give her a hug and ask her how she was.
He refused to come into the home. I guess he felt threatened.

I know I probably didn't handle it correctly. But I guess I'm fairly burned out with this whole thing. He refuses counseling. refuses that he has AS... (he did write a letter but it basically said that Aspergers is a label made up by N.T.) He wanted to know who N.T. were? The point is that the doesn't see how he has anything wrong with him. My point is anyone who never makes a mistake and is never wrong would have a hard time understanding that they might be different from the other 95 % of the world.

At first I let it go b/c we had guests and I didn't think that it was appropriate to bring it up. I believe I was correct in this. But then when the time was right. (a rarity) he refused to acknowledge he had done anything wrong. Even when I pointed out that she was seven! that I had seen him do this to our own children time and time again and I didn't think that it was okay to let it slide. I am thinking that bc she does not live with us, she will let it slide, but will learn to be cautious around AH. He is not warm and fuzzy but does his part when we have guests over.

What bothers me is that he will be like this when the grandchildren come? Or when we have our son's guests over? OR when people drop in unexpectedly? Something I would love to happen. I love people. I love friends and there seems to be a rarity of them in our house.

Am I making too much of this? Should I let it go? Or is it an omen of things to come?

I would like to just let it be the catalyst to help me move on. I am emotionally exhausted. I am on the verge of serious depression. But when I involve myself in other activities, my depression lifts. It is definitely an environmental depression that I can control by taking control of my own life. I am still considering the best avenues to follow.

It is very exhausting to have him want me to carry his emotional baggage. What is hardest is being able to work with him. I will post on the Pool Table next.

Reaching me through reading. "A Dog's Purpose"

My AH decided (sometime during my long hiatus from him) that he needed to change his style. (Yeah) He was loosing me. He knew it and we were in big trouble if somethings didn't change. So he started reading a book with me. "A Dog's Purpose". He chose it because he had read it and knew that TeenSon and I would also enjoy it. (We did immensely)
What was different is that rather than telling us to read it, he said he was going to read it to us. So for the past week, he read a chapter everynight before bedtime. We loved it. We loved the time together. I sat next to him on the couch and cuddled while he read aloud. For the first time in a long long time, I felt that I mattered to him. I loved hearing his voice crackle with emotion when he read the sad parts, or the excitement when something good happened. I have to say I was surprised.

And a bit jealous when I discovered that he has a real talent for reading out loud. I guess it comes from his watching all of those movies, but he really does the emotional inflections well. Teenson told me that he  likes his Dad to read more than me. When I was at the support group, we talked about this and several of the group said that yes their professors often requested them to read out loud because they did such a great job. Wow. who knew.?

Anyway. The book was great. And it has been wonderful to come out of my depression and see that AH is willing to make changes. The television is not the key focus of our family life. He is trying to help us find activities that will help us interact with one another. He is willing to allow visitors and even makes an attempt to interact more socially with them. Yeah!

I think what I loved about the book was that it talked about all of the emotional connections dogs bring into our lives. He did not grow up with dogs. (His home was so clean you could literally eat off of the floor.) so he did not understand their purpose in our lives. We haven't talked about it much (this is hard for him and he will say he just liked it) but I hope to help him understand the importance that our two dogs have in our lives.

Our dogs have great personality. They play together, love one another, talk to one another and to us.
They teach us so much.

Life is getting better. xx